FOR NOT AGAINST

I have written before that I lost my mind on November 6, 2016 when Hillary lost the presidential election. That is a pretty strong statement for a psychotherapist to make and it was true — in part. While my wisdom parts believed that whatever came in the ensuing months or years post November 6, we as a people and nation would survive. Those same parts believed then and still believe that as a society all the darkness that lays hidden in each of our hearts and minds must come to the surface to be healed by the light of love and goodness.

All that said, many of my parts were shocked by Trump winning; then they became enraged; then they became afraid; that was followed by despair and depression; back to rage; I cycled back through those emotions over and over for more than a year and a half. Elizabeth Kubler-Ross who is internationally known for her grief work on death and dying would say I was experiencing complicated grief as the result of a trauma. She was right.

What I know personally and professionally is that grief is normal when someone loses a person, a thing, a value of importance. Grief has its own rules, its own stages, and its own timing. If the grief process is honored and worked with, one comes out on the other side stronger, more resilient, wiser and deeper. That process can take 6 months, 6 years, 16 years or more. Each person is different.

I experienced a turning point in my grief eighteen months into Trump’s term — 6 months before the mid-term elections for the House of Representatives. Up to that point, I had been raging against Trump and the Republicans in the House and Senate. As part of several postcard groups writing to legislators, my messages to them were fierce and berating. For a bit of time that satisfied some part of me; I could not be silent to the abuse of power and cruelty of policy I was witnessing. A part of me had to proclaim No! Stop! Unacceptable!

After a while I realized for my emotional well-being and success as an activist, I needed to alter my strategy. Some part of me realized I needed to be fighting “for” and “with” my like-minded tribe not “against” the perceived enemy. This shift happened in August 2018 just as all the Indivisible and GOTV groups mobilized into action.

My heart started to soar. The groups I was part of focused on one thing — get Democrats to the polls. We were invited to choose one House race, two, three however many we wanted and then contact every Democrat in that district urging them to vote in the mid-terms. My groups focused on three districts held by long time patriarchal Republicans. We wrote thousands of post cards during dinner parties, wine parties, alone at night, during the day at work urging our tribe to change history.

I am thrilled to say all three of our Democratic candidates won. What joy, what hope, and what power I felt; my fellow activists echoed the same. And what lessons I learned. One of the most significant was resilience.

Each year for decades I have chosen a word to study for the year. I find my word, look up definitions, and begin to pay attention each day to where the word might show up or not. I reflect upon how I might embody the word or what gets in the way. It is a fabulous practice. In 2018 my word was resilient. Unbeknownst to me — but not the Divine — it was the perfect word for me in the context of my activism.

In February 2018, April Thompson authored Rising Above Adversity: How to Strengthen Your Resilience Muscle. The article appeared in Natural Awakenings. She writes that an estimated 70% of people experience a life-altering traumatic event and most grow stronger from surviving it. How one might ask?

April cites the following as building resilience:

· Choosing self-directedness instead of self-pity

· Choosing optimism by focusing on the positive without denying the negative

· Focusing on what is in your control

· Altruism and owning a moral code; one can endure almost anything if you have a mission or believe what you are doing has meaning

· But more than anything else, social networks are critical in the face of challenges. We are built to be connected with others and having those others you can count on or can connect with through the challenge will go a long way towards building resilience.

I found my way “forward” by embracing the strategies of resilience as did thousands of Americans. Guided (unconsciously or consciously) by the values above, we worked within our tribes contacting other like-minded souls to get out and vote for candidates who shared our values. I have no doubt that is why I succeeded, the groups I was part of succeeded, our candidates succeeded and all those part of the Blue Wave across the country succeeded. It was exhilarating.

And then our baby was born: we gained control of the House of Representatives. We had born the child of our dream — accountability of the Executive Branch. With a collective sigh of joy, accomplishment and fatigue we smiled. We who worked so hard to help our candidates win were exhausted and honestly could not even consider what came next.

But next is a big deal — individually and collectively. I have been pondering what next for me since November 6th. The following essay examines my seedling thoughts.