Kindness: The Broken Heart of Democracy

I believe all of us have moments of insight or epiphanies that change us forever. Thirty years, forty years, maybe a lifetime passes, and yet one can pull that transcendent experience from memory as though it happened seconds ago. I was thirty three when I had such a moment; it was so simple and yet tears fill my eyes as I begin to write about it.

I was an organizational consultant working with the top four hundred executives of Sears — a big deal by business standards of the day. When I came home after a twelve hour work day in a string of such days, I was tired and hungry and rummaged in the refrigerator for anything to eat since I had not had food all day. There I was in my business suit standing at the kitchen sink eating cold greasy chicken left overs.

The radio happened to be on and tuned to a financial station reporting market activity for that day. The announcer began to speak of a new study that had just been released. Hundreds of parents had been surveyed by an elementary school district as to the important traits they wanted to pass along to their children. Not surprisingly he rattled off the top ten results which included ambition, aggressiveness, drive, discipline, single mindedness to succeed, etc. I was half listening and eating — my thoughts drifting over the countless meetings of the day.

Then he paused for a moment. That silence caught my attention. When he continued he said he was stunned by the findings because nowhere on the full list did he see the word “kindness” — he could not believe that not even one parent said kindness was an attribute they wanted to pass on to their children. Then the station went to a commercial.

I burst into tears and cried for five minutes. I could not stop myself. I felt like I was having a soul breakdown. In that moment I was grateful I was not a parent because I would not have thought kindness was anything important to pass onto a child, or that it was important at all even to me as an adult.

Was I a horrible person at that point in my life? Not worse than most, I think. Did I have the qualities the parents said they wanted for their children. I did and by their standards I would have been a successful human being. But in that moment of epiphany, I knew in my soul kindness was the most important character trait a human being could have. That it was the root of what it meant to be human. How did I know that? I don’t know — that is what a stroke of insight is: a profound knowing that comes from someplace higher, bigger, brighter than the human experience.

Many years later that insight was born out by a comment made by Margaret Mead, the famous anthropologist. She was once asked what she found to be the first sign of civilization. She said it was the discovery of a broken bone that had healed. For a bone to have healed, Mead believed that another human being must have taken care of the injured party until they were again able to fend for themselves. That person otherwise would not have survived alone in that hostile environment. I call that kindness.

Was I instantly kind after my epiphany? No, not at all; what did change in that moment though was my awareness. I came to understand kindness as the quality of being friendly, generous, and considerate; a demonstration of concern and care for myself, others, nature and the planet. I came to know kindness included helpfulness, selflessness, compassion, understanding, big-warmheartedness, benevolence, and neighborliness.

I also woke up to the depth of my unkindness. I saw it in every word I spoke, every decision I made, every action step I took, how I lived my life, and how I treated people. I also saw the same all around me; how unkind people were to themselves and to each other. My heart felt broken. It took much time and healing to make kindness the center piece of my life. I have to work on it every day. Some days I think I am successful at it; many other days not so much but I never give up trying.

Why am I going on and on and on about this? Because I observed the lack of kindness in Donald Trump from the moment his campaign began. I am still stunned by his public mocking of the disabled reporter on national television. Stunned by the reports of multiple sexual assaults on women; stunned hearing him speak of women as things in the Entertainment tonight clip. I am still horrified by his campaign boasting he could shoot someone in the streets of Manhattan and not lose a vote. Horrified by the fact he was endorsed by David Duke, the KKK and other alt-right wing groups. The core of Donald Trump is void of kindness — he lacks empathy and when one lacks empathy it opens the door to all manner of mayhem.

He brings this emptiness to his administration. Trump and the current administration do not value kindness nor do many Republicans who in this moment behave as though they are drunk on power. Thus we see incompetent campaign donors rewarded with cabinet positions, Muslim travel bans, immigrant deportations, gag orders on agencies protecting the environment, plans to build a wall, attacks on the judiciary and media and attempts to take away health care. Each day there is another act of cruelty coming forth from this administration.

Compare the actions Trump has taken to our other leaders who passed the Social Security Act, Medicare, Medicaid, the ACA, the Voting Rights Act, the 19th Amendment, the Civil Rights Act, and the establishment of the EPA. At their core is the energy of kindness. These great pieces of legislation make manifest a concern and care for others, helpfulness, selflessness, compassion, understanding, big-warmheartedness, benevolence, and neighborliness. It is what has made this country great.

Kindness is also the energy I felt at the Justice March in DC; the ACLU lawyers at the airports were kind; there is even kindness at the town hall meetings. Yes those meetings are fierce but I have not read of name calling, swearing, or physical fights — rather people are passionately saying, “do your job” or holding signs that say “Disagree”. These meetings are fierce but not unkind. Thousands of people have been marching these past weeks stating their views forcefully and peacefully not with violence and hate.

This contrast of kindness vs cruelty has that thirty three year old professional part of me weeping again. She clearly sees all the attributes Trump and his inner circle value and kindness is nowhere to be seen. She fears for us all if he prevails.

I remind her we are a country filled with big-hearted people. I remind her of the plaque at the base of the Statue of Liberty which reads: Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free, the wretched refuse of your teeming shore. Send these, the homeless, tempest-tossed to me. I lift my lamp beside the golden door! If that isn’t the essence of kindness, I do not know what is. I take that young woman back to the kind, committed, fierce energy of the Justice March in Washington DC and reassure her she is companioned by those who will not tolerate Trump’s emptiness. I reassure her over and over the light is stronger than the shadow and we will persist.

She responds as did the father in the bible story who asked Jesus to heal his son. Jesus said he could do so if the father believed healing was possible. I so love the honesty of the father who cried out, “I do believe; help my unbelief!” I am holding that young professional in my heart as she says the very same thing, “I do believe; help my unbelief!” I hold her even closer saying over and over, “kindness will prevail.”