We Did Not Know What Was Coming Series: Change — A Prickly Friend

PREFACE: To say the last seven years have been a journey of growth for me and this country is an understatement. To help me process and cope with the roller-coaster of emotions I have felt these years, I started writing on Medium right after the 2016 election. My last series ended December 31, 2020, after Biden won the presidential election.

Recently I realized I missed writing “in my journal” and decided to go back to the very beginning and re-read my essays. I wanted to see where I started out on November 9, 2016, and where I am now. I decided to repost my favorite blogs with a short present-day commentary and continue onto current times.

I hope a few of you will join me on this journey of recollection, reflection, and learning. Little did we know what we were headed into.

— — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — —

Change — A Prickly Friend: February 12, 2017

I have had an interesting professional life. Through the years, I’ve been a correctional supervisor in a work release program for first time offenders, a community organizer, a Fortune 500 business consultant, an advocate for survivors of gun violence and trauma, a creativity coach and now a psychotherapist in private practice. When I reflect on the thread running through my work life, each job has been about change.

Change has also dominated my personal life. As a child I wondered “what makes a person happy?” It seemed some people were happy; I knew I was not, but I wanted to change and be happy; I believed I could be. So through the years I sought happiness through education, spirituality, meditation, therapy, creativity, love, nature, family, friends, and animals with many detours down some very dark alleys.

Now here is the irony — I had and still have very young parts that hate change — fear it — want to do everything they can to avoid it. The chorus of these young parts is, “change is bad; change brings the unknown and bad things happen in the unknown; we won’t be able to handle it if things change; we will die if things change.” These sweet young parts have been so very scared most of my life — so very scared. I am much more equipped in this present moment to comfort them and assure them I am the leader, and they are safe to play and rest, but they still get startled when something big and unexpected happens.

Well, the election was something big and totally unexpected and these internal youngsters became hysterical. With every executive order, my internal youngsters wailed, “How can he change everything his first week in office? How can change Obama’s ban on the Dakota Access Pipeline? How can he change the Constitution and ban Muslims from entering the country? How can he change the ethics code of the office and publicly bash Nordstrom for making a business decision to not carry his daughter’s line of clothing? Does he want to change the Civil Rights Act? Is that why he nominated Jeff Sessions for Attorney General? He is a bad man! We are all going to die! On and on they howled with distress about changes Trump was initiating.

I had to assure those parts of me that they were safe, and I would take care of them by taking small action steps around the issues that frightened them. They needed to hear and see I was not powerless. They also needed to hear and see they were not the only ones scared. That was easy to point out — more than half the country was scared about Trump.

On a broader level, my experience has taught me all humans feel uneasy about change to one degree or another. Folks love feeling safe and to many a static life is safe; static work is safe; static relationships are safe; things that are static and controllable are safe. That is understandable. It is also an illusion.

Nothing in life is static. Nature shows us that every day. In everything there is a life-death-life cycle; our four seasons are a magnificent everyday example of that. On a human level, evolution keeps the human race alive. We adapt, we grow, and we make mistakes, take detours. Businesses must change to adapt to changes in the marketplace. Medical treatments change. Each day scientific breakthroughs change the way we look at the world and ourselves. The list goes on and on.

But the most awesome change is within us. I have written of this in other essays — I am awed and amazed by my clients, by the opportunity to witness the human capacity to emotionally heal, grow, and change even unto the final chapter of life. It is truly a miracle.

But back to the election…What was and is so interesting is to not only observe my own frightened parts reacting to the Trump administration but to observe those parts in many others. Reading the placards at the Justice Marches around the world named the worried parts of each marcher. Reading emails from friends, postings on Facebook, listening to a few trusted news outlets, I can feel the uneasiness the changes are triggering in those folks.

I also discerned (like others), it is not only the notion of change and the direction of change that has folks uneasy. It is the pace and volume of change that has many, including myself, tilted over. People are overwhelmed by what is coming out of the White House…too much…too fast…too out-of-control…to combative…too negative.

So within this time of turmoil, how do we keep our balance with this prickly friend change — who at times seems to be the enemy? Abiding in all the qualities of light comes to mind, but of them all, in this moment, the most important one is connection. I have discovered for myself and working with others, if there are at least two people connected around values, concern, and regard for one another, they can get through anything together — even death.

Feeling isolated, alone, frozen with fear, terrified there is no one to help or hear a cry of pain — that is the most terrible wound. That is true of a person going through a traumatic loss; it is true of a religious community targeted by Trump; it is true for our children of color who believe no one cares; it is true for a child who fears her parent will be rounded up in the middle of the night and deported to Mexico. If we connect to an individual or a group and say, “I care, I am committed to you, we will get through this together”, we will get through it together. We may not get the change we want but we will be changed for the better in that process. Of that I have no doubt.

I am an introvert and relish aloneness; silence fills me up, but I have too often ignored my need for connection in great times of chaos. It has been detrimental to me. Because I know this to be true of myself, when faced with the hysteria of my internal youngsters, I knew I had to connect to one or two core issues to fight for. Even more important I had to find “my people” to stand with. I had no idea who they were or what that connection would look like but my spirit said start looking.

This reaching out is a huge shift for me, but I am starting by taking one tiny baby step at a time. In that context, I want to share the resistance to change I went through to make a tiny connection with an on-line tribe — #postcardsforamerica. To make this connection I had to

· Work through my judgement of Facebook as a platform of self-indulgent oversharing

· Persuade my adult son to set up a Facebook account for me with almost no public footprint

· Ask my sister, a Facebook user, to invite me to a closed Pantsuit Nation group

· Once accepted, I had to figure out how the site worked and how to access information

· Learn protocol to ignore friend requests — most of whom were extended family

· Ask to join a new subgroup #postcardsforamerica

· Had to figure out to follow and participate in the new site

· Cope with embarrassment when I made some initial posts that contained misspelled words

· Process embarrassment and shame when I posted ideas no one responded to

· Struggle with how to access calls for actions or the addresses that were under tabs I could not find

· Had to calm heroic parts that wanted to jump into a leadership position though that part knew nothing about anything

· There were more but I think you get the point.

All this was triggered by a tiny alteration in my way of being in the world; in fact, my “hate change” parts almost persuaded me Facebook was stupid, and I needed to shut my account down and just go watch television. Well, I am grateful my God Spark suggested I hang in there a bit longer. I did and am finding my sea legs with this new way of connecting to community. #postcardsforamerica is now a source of comfort (and often laughter) for me. I am glad I hung in there with my prickly friend, change.

For those of us who dislike any change of our life’s order or are afraid of it, now might be the time to take a deep breath and gently turn into that fear. What are the beliefs we hold about deviations from the norm that prevent us from taking a new step? What do we fear losing? What bad things do we think might happen? Are those fears valid for us now in 2017? I would also invite such questions as to what adventures are we missing by not changing. What joy are we avoiding? I think it is worthy to ask how one might stand up in one tiny new way for this country and the values they hold dear even if standing up is a big change for us.

To do this we each need to make friends with our prickly companion, change, for she is here to stay. No doubt this might be hugely uncomfortable and feel risky and yet it is as Anais Nin stated so beautifully, “And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom” I still smile each time I think of that vast sea of pink tulips in that sea of brave women marching for justice in Washington D.C. January 21st — wearing those crazy brilliant pink hats. For many there, it was the first protest march of their life. They stepped into change and were in full bloom.

— — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — —

Commentary: November 28, 2023

Where am I seven years later regarding my beliefs and feelings about change? I still dislike change intensely though I am not as frightened of it as I was when trump took office. Somewhere along the line I realized I was more resilient than I knew.

That word — resilient — startles me and empowers me. I know it to be truer for me today than it was seven years ago, but what does it really mean and how did I get there? I went to my good pal, Google, and discovered there are many studies and articles defining and predicting personal resilience.

I found a short article that resonated with me. I would like to name the key points:

· A resilient person is defined as someone who can meet any adversity and make their way through it; it might be slow and clumsy, but they make their way through the difficulty.

· Resilience can be learned.

· Learning focuses on skills within the domains of Vision, Composure, Tenacity, Reasoning, Collaboration and Health.

· Vision: Think of vision as purpose; the brain needs a goal, a reason to persist in times of adversity.

· Composure: This domain consists of self-awareness, self-control, a positive attitude and confidence. Composure is the “I” in the center of the storm.

· Tenacity: This domain is all about perseverance. Back to Mitch reprimanding Elizabeth’s Warrens’ perseverance in voting no to Jeff Session’s nomination as Attorney General when McConnell lamented, “Nevertheless she persisted.”

· Reasoning: This domain involves the wider range of higher cognitive traits such as problem-solving and resourcefulness. A resilient person can screen for errors in reasoning and then come up with the best response to a situation. Again, it might be slow and clumsy but with tenacity, one sees a path forward.

· Collaboration: This involves one’s sense of community, support networks, family coherence, secure relationships, and social resources. Biden told Israel after the initial Hamas attack, “You are not alone.”

· Health: People who are resilient take care of their health. To carry them through difficult times they participate in regular exercise, practice good nutrition and sleep. This seems so obvious but if one does not care for the body during times of great difficulty, the soul, mind and heart will not be able to function at their highest level; in fact all areas will suffer and most likely breakdown.

This naming was helpful to me. Without even knowing it — or perhaps my God Spark knew it — I have found a way one tiny tiny baby step at a time — slow and clumsy — to deepen my resilience skills and practices in all the domains.

I feel startled and proud to acknowledge I am more resilient in these turbulent social and political times than I ever thought possible. I am deeply grateful. I also have a young part waving her hand in the air who wants to be seen and heard. She says she still does not like change. Bless her heart.