We Did Not Know What Was Coming Series: For Not Against
PREFACE: To say the last seven years have been a journey of growth for me and this country is an understatement. To help me process and cope with the roller-coaster of emotions I have felt these years, I started writing on Medium right after the 2016 election. My last series ended December 31, 2020, after Biden won the presidential election.
Recently I realized I missed writing “in my journal” and decided to go back to the very beginning and re-read my essays. I wanted to see where I started out on November 9, 2016, and where I am now. I decided to repost my favorite blogs with a short present-day commentary and continue onto current times.
I hope a few of you will join me on this journey of recollection, reflection, and learning. Little did we know what we were headed into.
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For Not Against: January 18, 2019
I have written before that I lost my mind on November 6, 2016 when Hillary lost the presidential election. That is a pretty strong statement for a psychotherapist to make and it was true — in part. While my wisdom parts believed that whatever came in the ensuing months or years post November 6, we as a people and nation would survive. Those same parts believed then and still believe that as a society all the darkness that lies hidden in each of our hearts and minds must come to the surface to be healed by the light of love and goodness.
All that said, many of my parts were shocked by Trump winning; then they became enraged; then they became afraid; that was followed by despair and depression; back to rage; I cycled back through those emotions over and over for more than a year and a half. Elizabeth Kubler-Ross who is internationally known for her grief work on death and dying would say I was experiencing complicated grief as the result of a trauma. She was right.
What I know personally and professionally is that grief is normal when someone loses a person, a thing, a value of importance. Grief has its own rules, its own stages, and its own timing. If the grief process is honored and worked with, one comes out on the other side stronger, more resilient, wiser and deeper. That process can take 6 months, 6 years, 16 years or more. Each person is different.
I experienced a turning point in my grief eighteen months into Trump’s term — 6 months before the mid-term elections for the House of Representatives. Up to that point, I had been raging against Trump and the Republicans in the House and Senate. As part of several postcard groups writing to legislators, my messages to them were fierce and berating. For a bit of time that satisfied some part of me; I could not be silent to the abuse of power and cruelty of policy I was witnessing. A part of me had to proclaim No! Stop! Unacceptable!
After a while I realized for my emotional well-being and success as an activist, I needed to alter my strategy. Some part of me realized I needed to be fighting “for” and “with” my like-minded tribe not “against” the perceived enemy. This shift happened in August 2018 just as all the Indivisible and GOTV groups mobilized into action.
My heart started to soar. The groups I was part of focused on one thing — get Democrats to the polls. We were invited to choose one House race, two, three however many we wanted and then contact every Democrat in that district urging them to vote in the mid-terms. My groups focused on three districts held by long time patriarchal Republicans. We wrote thousands of postcards during dinner parties, wine parties, alone at night, during the day at work urging our tribe to change history.
I am thrilled to say all three of our Democratic candidates won. What joy, what hope, and what power I felt; my fellow activists echoed the same. And what lessons I learned. One of the most significant was resilience.
Each year for decades I have chosen a word to study for the year. I find my word, look up definitions, and begin to pay attention each day to where the word might show up or not. I reflect upon how I might embody the word or what gets in the way. It is a fabulous practice.
As synchronicity would have it, my 2018 my word was resilient. Unbeknownst to me — but not the Divine — it was the perfect word for me in the context of my activism. It carried me through the midterm elections.
In February 2018, April Thompson authored Rising Above Adversity: How to Strengthen Your Resilience Muscle. The article appeared in Natural Awakenings. She writes that an estimated 70% of people experience a life-altering traumatic event and most grow stronger from surviving it. How one might ask?
April cites the following as building resilience:
· Choosing self-direction instead of self-pity
· Choosing optimism by focusing on the positive without denying the negative
· Focusing on what is in your control
· Altruism and owning a moral code; one can endure almost anything if you have a mission or believe what you are doing has meaning
· But more than anything else, social networks are critical in the face of challenges. We are built to be connected with others and having those others you can count on or can connect with through the challenge will go a long way towards building resilience.
I found my way “forward” by embracing the strategies of resilience as did thousands of Americans. Guided (unconsciously or consciously) by the values above, we worked within our tribes contacting other like-minded souls to get out and vote for candidates who shared our values. I have no doubt that is why I succeeded, the groups I was part of succeeded, our candidates succeeded and all those part of the Blue Wave across the country succeeded. It was exhilarating.
And then our baby was born: we gained control of the House of Representatives. We had born the child of our dream — accountability of the Executive Branch. With a collective sigh of joy, accomplishment and fatigue we smiled. We who worked so hard to help our candidates win were exhausted and honestly could not even consider what our next steps would be.
But next is a big deal — individually and collectively. I have been pondering what is next for me now that the mid-terms have passed. The following essay examines my seedling thoughts.
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Commentary: December 15, 2023
I continue to feel such tenderness and compassion for myself in the early days of trump and maga. I was filled with such energy and passion and self-righteousness. Seven years later I am really tired and ground down. I so often think of survivors of WW I and WW II here and abroad. How in the world did we get through those world wars? How in the world will we get through the 2024 election and beyond?
I am wondering why I feel so down this morning. I think in part it is the negative reporting in the news. Biden now the target of revenge impeachment? Really? The maga members of the House holding Ukraine funding hostage until there is a more punitive strategy put into place at the southern border? The Texas Supreme Court denying one of its citizens a life saving abortion? Trump continuing to be the GOP front runner in the Iowa polls? State Supreme Courts upholding gerrymandered maps? The news feels so grim. Is it so grim? I know there are good things happening in this country, but good news is so often overlooked in the media.
As synchronicity would have it, the following poem opened Quaker worship last Sunday. It calmed me so. I just went searching for it hoping it would calm me again.
The Good News
They don’t publish
the good news.
The good news is published
by us.
We have a special edition every moment,
and we need you to read it.
The good news is that you are alive,
and the linden tree is still there,
standing firm in the harsh Winter.
The good news is that you have wonderful eyes
to touch the blue sky.
The good news is that your child is there before you,
and your arms are available:
hugging is possible.
They only print what is wrong.
Look at each of our special editions.
We always offer the things that are not wrong.
We want you to benefit from them
and help protect them.
The dandelion is there by the sidewalk,
smiling its wondrous smile,
singing the song of eternity.
Listen! You have ears that can hear it.
Bow your head.
Listen to it.
Leave behind the world of sorrow
and preoccupation
and get free.
The latest good news
is that you can do it.
— Thich Nhat Hanh
The poem has calmed me. It reminds me to turn off the news. It reminds me to harken back to the joy of “working for” my candidates and issues. It reminds me to remember all the women working so hard and succeeding in defeating abusive abortion amendments at the state level and/or passing pro-choice protections. It reminds me of my power and the power of my tribe.
When I finish this, I will go write my five postcards encouraging Democrats in Florida to register to vote-by-mail in anticipation of the 2024 election. Thank goodness for the wisdom of such folk as Thich Nhat Hanh.
