We Did Not Know What Was Coming Series: Kindness — The Broken Heart of Democracy
PREFACE: To say the last seven years have been a journey of growth for me and this country is an understatement. To help me process and cope with the roller-coaster of emotions I have felt these years, I started writing on Medium right after the 2016 election. My last series ended December 31, 2020, after Biden won the presidential election.
Recently I realized I missed writing “in my journal” and decided to go back to the very beginning and re-read my essays. I wanted to see where I started out on November 9, 2016, and where I am now. I decided to repost my favorite blogs with a short present-day commentary and continue onto current times.
I hope a few of you will join me on this journey of recollection, reflection, and learning. Little did we know what we were headed into.
— — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — —
Kindness — The Broken Heart of Democracy: February 22, 2017
I believe all of us have moments of insight or epiphanies that change us forever. Thirty years, forty years, maybe a lifetime passes, and yet one can pull that transcendent experience from memory as though it happened seconds ago. I was thirty-three when I had such a moment; it was so simple and yet tears fill my eyes as I begin to write about it.
I was an organizational consultant working with the top four hundred executives of Sears — a big deal by business standards of the day. When I came home after a twelve-hour workday in a string of such days, I was tired and hungry and rummaged in the refrigerator for anything to eat since I had not had food all day. There I was in my business suit standing at the kitchen sink eating cold greasy chicken leftovers.
The radio happened to be on and tuned to a financial station reporting market activity for that day. The announcer began to speak of a new study that had just been released. Hundreds of parents had been surveyed by an elementary school district as to the important traits they wanted to pass along to their children. Not surprisingly he rattled off the top ten results which included ambition, aggressiveness, drive, discipline, single mindedness to succeed, etc. I was half listening and eating — my thoughts drifting over the countless meetings of the day.
Then he paused for a moment. That silence caught my attention. When he continued, he said he was stunned by the findings because nowhere on the full list did he see the word “kindness” — he could not believe that not even one parent said kindness was an attribute they wanted to pass on to their children. Then the station went to a commercial.
I burst into tears and cried for five minutes. I could not stop myself. I felt like I was having a soul breakdown. In that moment I was grateful I was not a parent because I would not have thought kindness was anything important to pass onto a child, or that it was important at all even to me as an adult.
Was I a horrible person at that point in my life? Not worse than most, I think. Did I have the qualities the parents said they wanted for their children. I did and by their standards I would have been a successful human being. But in that moment of epiphany, I knew in my soul kindness was the most important character trait a human being could have. That kindness was the root of what it meant to be human.
How did I know that? I don’t know — that is what a stroke of insight is: a profound knowing that comes from someplace higher, bigger, brighter than the human experience.
Many years later that insight was born out by a comment made by Margaret Mead, the famous anthropologist. She was once asked what she found to be the first sign of civilization. She said it was the discovery of a broken bone that had healed. For a bone to have healed, Mead believed that another human being must have taken care of the injured party until they were again able to fend for themselves. That person otherwise would not have survived alone in that hostile environment. I call that kindness.
Was I instantly kind after my epiphany? No, not at all; what did change in that moment though was my awareness. I came to understand kindness as the quality of being friendly, generous, and considerate; a demonstration of concern and care for myself, others, nature and the planet. I came to know kindness included helpfulness, selflessness, compassion, understanding, big-warmheartedness, benevolence, and neighborliness.
I also woke up to the depth of my unkindness. I saw it in every word I spoke, every decision I made, every action step I took, how I lived my life, and how I treated people. I also saw the same all around me; how unkind people were to themselves and to each other. My heart felt broken. It took much time and healing to make kindness the center piece of my life. I have to work on it every day. Some days I think I am successful at it; many other days not so much but I never give up trying.
Why am I going on and on and on about this? Because I observed the lack of kindness in Donald Trump from the moment his campaign began. I am still stunned by his public mocking of the disabled reporter on national television. Stunned by the reports of multiple sexual assaults on women; stunned hearing him speak of women as things in the Entertainment Tonight clip. I am still horrified by his campaign boasting he could shoot someone in the streets of Manhattan and not lose a vote. Horrified by the fact he was endorsed by David Duke, the KKK and other alt-right wing groups.
The core of Donald Trump is void of kindness — he lacks empathy and when one lacks empathy it opens the door to all manner of mayhem.
He brings this emptiness to his administration. Trump and the current administration do not value kindness nor do many Republicans who in this moment behave as though they are drunk on power. Thus, we see incompetent campaign donors rewarded with cabinet positions, Muslim travel bans, immigrant deportations, gag orders on agencies protecting the environment, plans to build a wall, attacks on the judiciary and media and attempts to take away health care. Each day there is another act of cruelty coming forth from this administration.
Compare the actions Trump has taken to our other leaders who passed the Social Security Act, Medicare, Medicaid, the ACA, the Voting Rights Act, the 19th Amendment, the Civil Rights Act, and the establishment of the EPA. At their core is the energy of kindness. These great pieces of legislation manifest a concern and care for others, helpfulness, selflessness, compassion, understanding, big-warmheartedness, benevolence, and neighborliness. It is what has made this country great.
Kindness is also the energy I felt at the Justice March in DC; the ACLU lawyers at the airports were kind; there is even kindness at the town hall meetings. Yes, those meetings are fierce but I have not read of name calling, swearing, or physical fights — rather people are passionately saying, “do your job” or holding signs that say “Disagree”. These meetings are fierce but not unkind. Thousands of people have been marching these past weeks stating their views forcefully and peacefully not with violence and hate.
This contrast of kindness vs cruelty has that thirty-three-year-old professional part of me weeping again. She clearly sees all the attributes Trump and his inner circle value and kindness is nowhere to be seen. She fears for us all if he prevails.
I remind her we are a country filled with big-hearted people. I remind her of the plaque at the base of the Statue of Liberty which reads: Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free, the wretched refuse of your teeming shore. Send these, the homeless, tempest-tossed to me. I lift my lamp beside the golden door!
If that isn’t the essence of kindness, I do not know what is. I take that young woman back to the kind, committed, fierce energy of the Justice March in Washington DC and reassure her she is companioned by those who will not tolerate Trump’s emptiness. I reassure her over and over the light is stronger than the shadow and we will persist.
She responds as did the father in the bible story who asked Jesus to heal his son. Jesus said he could do so if the father believed healing was possible. I so love the honesty of the father who cried out, “I do believe; help my unbelief!” I am holding that young professional in my heart as she says the very same thing, “I do believe; help my unbelief!” I hold her even closer saying over and over, “kindness will prevail.”
— — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — —
Commentary: November 29, 2023
Somewhere in my business career I took the Myers-Briggs personality test. In fact, since 1960, fifty million people have taken the test; two million more take it each year. It is found on-line and is free.
In simple terms, the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI) — also referred to as the “Myers-Briggs personality test” or simply the “Myers-Briggs test” — is a self-reported questionnaire. The test helps people assess their personality using four specific dichotomies, or scales: introversion-extraversion, sensing-intuition, thinking-feeling and judging-perceiving.
There are 16 personality types in the MBTI. No personality type is superior to the others. Each one simply gives a clearer indication of a person’s likes, dislikes, strengths and weaknesses.
I happen to be an INFJ aka Counselor. INFJs:
· are guided by a deeply considered set of personal values. They are intensely idealistic and can clearly imagine a happier and more perfect future. They can become discouraged by the harsh realities of the present, but they are typically motivated and persistent in taking positive action nonetheless. The INFJ feels an intrinsic drive to do what they can to make the world a better place.
· want a meaningful life and deep connections with other people. They do not tend to share themselves freely but appreciate emotional intimacy with a select, committed few. Although their rich inner life can sometimes make them seem mysterious or private to others, they profoundly value authentic connections with people they trust.
· are idealists. INFJs have many ideas about how to improve society and make the world a better place. INFJs believe a better world can only be attained if we concentrate on doing what is right, regardless of short-term consequences.
· have a profound respect for human potential and a deep interest in understanding the mind. Because of this, they are motivated to pursue authentic self-development and strive to live up to their true potential, while encouraging and guiding others to do the same.
· are known as the advocate, counselor, or idealist.
· are the rarest type of personality in the general population. INFJs represents about 1.5% of the general population in the United States.
Why am I writing about all of this? Because above all else, INFJs are kind. We have kind hearts, kind minds and kind souls. We value kindness above all else. It is also why I feel pain each and every day since trump has been in office.
He is cruel. His surrogates in the House, Senate, and on the Courts are cruel. His supporters are cruel. His policies are cruel. Everything associated with MAGA is cruel. It is why I suffer daily.
Here is just one tiny example of trump and his cruelty. Last week, a court security officer told an appellate court he transcribed 275 pages of death threats and abusive phone calls left for Judge Arthur Engoron and law clerk Allison Greenfield. Ms Greenfield has been targeted by Trump supporters after Engoron placed the former president under a gag order and fined him $15,000 for twice commenting about Greenfield while a gag order about her remained in place.
In response to this, trump’s lawyers said the court clerk exposed herself to vile threats because of her partisan politics and by allowing herself to be photographed in public. This is classic abuser logic, “If only she had put dinner on the table on time, I would not have had to choke her. It is her fault.”
All of this is to say, today my heart is broken. In this moment, that young thirty — three year old professional is sobbing her heart out. She sees little kindness in this democracy. Maybe tomorrow will be better but today is a hard day.
