We Did Not Know What Was Coming Series: Stage 1 — “Mom, Why Are You Still Shocked?”

PREFACE: To say the last seven years have been a journey of growth for me and this country is an understatement. To help me process and cope with the roller-coaster of emotions I have felt these years, I started writing on Medium right after the 2016 election. My last series ended December 31, 2020, after Biden won the presidential election.

Recently I realized I missed writing “in my journal” and decided to go back to the very beginning and re-read my essays. I wanted to see where I started out on November 9, 2016, and where I am now. I decided to repost my favorite blogs with a short present-day commentary and continue onto current times.

I hope a few of you will join me on this journey of recollection, reflection, and learning. Little did we know what we were headed into.

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Stage 1 — “Mom, Why Are You Still Shocked?”: November 22, 2020

My son is a millennial. He lives and works in Washington DC. He is very kind. He is very smart. We are aligned politically and speak often of politics. He has asked me countless times over the last four years why I am still shocked and in disbelief as I rail, yet again, about the latest Trump travesty, lie, cruel tweet, charge of corruption, heinous policy, etc. etc. etc.

In Kubler-Ross’s five stages of grief, shock, disbelief and denial are the characteristics of stage one. I am mired here. I think it would help me to ponder this stage in the broadest sense and then narrow it down to what hurts me so deeply in the political arena.

What happens to us when we lose someone we love, or we lose a job that defines us? What happens to us when we lose a friend who laughed through life with us or lose savings that provided security? What happens to us when we lose a house to a fire and no longer have a safe harbor or we lose a belief system that allowed us to function in the world? We may know the facts are real; we may acknowledge them; yet it all may feel utterly and wholly unbelievable.

Our reality shifts completely in the moment of loss. We are trying to absorb and understand what is happening but it simply is too much to comprehend. We will deny it, not accept it, minimize it, and/or defer our feelings about it.

It is not uncommon during this stage to experience:

A short attention span

Difficulty concentrating

Impaired decision-making

Confusion or loss of memory

Resistance to reality

Fear, panic, feeling out of control

Outbursts of anger, hostility

Powerlessness

Restlessness

Increased heart rate

Exhaustion/disrupted sleep

Heaviness in the chest

Lump in the throat

Wringing hands, crying, sighing

Feeling cold

Lethargy

Why is that? It is our body’s natural defense mechanism letting in only as much as we can handle one moment at a time. It is a shutting-down of our usual feeling, thinking and doing. This is protective — a blessed anesthesia — that allows our psyche time to accept a painful reality.

Many of my internal parts are nodding and saying, “Yup, yup, yup — that happens to us a lot when we watch CNN or MSNBC or read the internet news outlets.” I have other parts that are saying. “Yes, you do walk around like someone died, but honestly, what have you lost? No one in your family died. You have friends. You have a nice house. You have health. You have savings. You have a good job. What is up with you?”

That is a fair query — what is up with me? It is back to Percival asking the dying king, “Uncle, what ails thee?”

When I pose that question to myself I hear a faint little voice that says, “Trump is cruel. Republicans are bad. They hurt people. They don’t care. They are mean. They are breaking the rules.” Now I would say that voice sounds very young, very innocent and very kind. What was very interesting to me though was the comment, “They are breaking the rules.” That felt very important.

When I asked her what the rules were, this little girl answered very quickly, “Be kind; treat everyone equally, always tell the truth, and always be honest.” I thought these were great rules.

The more I sat with this, I realized these rules in the grown up world would be called values. In my adult world they are the values of kindness, equality, truth and honesty. The longer I thought about these values, the more I understood they are the foundation of who I am or seek to be as a human being; they inform and direct the actions I take as I move through the world; they are the standards and criteria by which I evaluate actions, policies, people and events.

I also know that Trump and his cabal could care less about those values and that they operate from an entirely different value paradigm. I think the child within me is absolutely staggered by that truth, shocked by that truth, numbed by that truth, is in denial that such a thing could even be. Her grief knows no bounds. She wants a world filled with people who have the same values and beliefs she does.

I started to wonder about that. Could there be such a thing as universal or core values that most human beings share? Could there possibly be a place deep down inside of us where red and blue come together — not in the Trumps of this world, but regular people?

I started researching and discovered that just as Elizabeth Kubler-Ross is a big deal in the field of death and dying, so too is Dr. Shalom H. Schwartz in the field of psychology and the search for universal human values.

Shalom H. Schwartz is the Emeritus Professor of Psychology at the Hebrew University in Jerusalem. He received his Ph.D. in social psychology from the University of Michigan-Ann Arbor in 1967 and has taught at the University of Wisconsin-Madison, Princeton University, and the Hebrew University.

He has written or edited 9 books and published over 220 articles in international journals in social, cross-cultural and developmental psychology, sociology, education, management, law and economics. His seminal articles on individual and cultural values have been cited in more than 50,000 publications. Dr. Schwartz is a big deal in the field of values and he provided me another map to understand my distress in the world of Trump.

With respect to the importance of values, Schwartz states:

· Values serve as stable standards or criteria.

· Values guide the selection and/or evaluation of actions, policies, people, and events.

· People decide what is good or bad, justified or illegitimate, worth doing or avoiding, based on possible consequences for their cherished values.

· Some values are more important to the individual than others.

· Multiple values are normally implicated in any proposed action.

· Evaluation of an action will depend on the relative importance of the competing values it implicates.

· The impact of values in everyday decisions is rarely conscious. Values enter awareness when the actions or judgments one is considering have conflicting implications for different values one cherishes.

· Values help humans cope with one or more of the following three universal requirements of existence: our biological needs as individuals, our need to coordinate our actions with others, and the need of groups to survive and flourish.

· People often have competing or diametrically opposed values with those around them. Without compromise, conflict occurs.

In 1987, Schwartz, along with a number of psychology colleagues, conducted empirical research to determine whether there are universal values, and what those values are. In 1994 Schwartz published results from a series of studies that included surveys of more than 25,000 people in 44 countries. As of 2011, data has been gathered on more than 60,000 individuals in 64 nations.

His research suggests there are ten types of universal values. They are as follows:

Self-Direction: Independent thought and action–choosing, creating, exploring

Stimulation: Excitement, novelty, and challenge in life

Hedonism: Pleasure or sensuous gratification for oneself

Achievement: Personal success through demonstrating competence according to social standards

Power: Social status and prestige, control or dominance over people and resources

Security: Safety, harmony, and stability of society, of relationships, and of self

Conformity: Restraint of actions, inclinations, and impulses likely to upset or harm others and violate social expectations or norms

Tradition: Respect, commitment, and acceptance of the customs and ideas that one’s culture or religion provides

Benevolence: Preserving and enhancing the welfare of those with whom one is in frequent personal contact (the ‘in-group’)

Universalism: Understanding, appreciation, tolerance, and protection for the welfare of all people and for nature

Schwartz also tested an eleventh possible universal value — spirituality or the goal of finding meaning in life, but found that it does not seem to be recognized in all cultures.

I sat with this list for quite some time and felt sad. There are 328.2 million men, women, and children living in the United States. Each has their own unique set of values and beliefs from which they live their lives — consciously or unconsciously. In the November election 153 million people voted — 79.5 million voted for Biden; 73.6 million voted for Trump.

I am taking a leap here, but I am assuming those who voted for Trump have values which fall into domains listed above which are in direct opposition to my values. The significance of that goes back to the final values tenet posited by Schwartz: People often have competing or diametrically opposed values with those around them. Without compromise, conflict occurs.

Trump’s acts of cruelty number in the thousands: bullying tweets, daily lies, egregious policy decisions, acts of corruption, acts of treason, and more. Each act shocks the child in me and throws her into stage one grief — shock, disbelief and denial. She just does not understand how anyone could live with values so contrary to our own when they hurt so many people.

She is not alone. Though we may not share a common definition of truth, Trump supporters do value truth ala Trump style, and they too suffer from shock, disbelief and denial when faced with the reality Trump lied to them.

This is epitomized in an interview I watched on CNN on November 17, 2020. The interview describes all the features of stage one of denial with respect to an individual facing not only imminent death but the loss of a value/belief system that informed their life until their last breath.

Alysin Camerota spoke with Jodi Doering, an ER nurse in South Dakota. Ms. Doering lives in a town with 650 people. On her day off she decided to tweet about how she was feeling. Little did she know that tweet would go viral and give her the opportunity to share her powerful story on national television.

Ms. Doering tweeted:

I have a night off from the hospital. As I’m on my couch with my dog I can’t help but think of the Covid patients the last few days. The ones that stick out are those who still don’t believe the virus is real. The ones who scream at you for a magic medicine and that Joe Biden is (g)oing to ruin the USA. All while gasping for breath on 100% Vapotherm. They tell you there must be another reason they are sick. They call you names and ask why you have to wear all that ‘stuff’ because they don’t have COViD because it’s not real.

Yes. This really happens. And I can’t stop thinking about it. These people really think this isn’t going to happen to them. And then they stop yelling at you when they get intubated. It’s like a (expletive) horror movie that never ends. There’s no credits that roll. You just go back and do it all over again. Which is what I will do for the next three nights.

But tonight. It’s me and Cliff and Oreo ice cream. And how ironic I have on my ‘home’ Hoodie. The South Dakota I love seems far away right now.

Forty-eight hours later, Doering’s tweet had more than 218,000 likes and more than 50,000 retweets. On Monday, she was on CNN.

The New Day clip with Camerota was astonishingly sad as Doering repeated her horror stories of patients not believing that COVID-19 was real even as they lay dying from it. Doering told Camerota that it wasn’t one person who behaved this way, but a “culmination of so many people.”

“Their last dying words are, ‘This can’t be happening to me, it’s not real,’” Doering said on the air. “And when they should be spending time FaceTiming with their families, they’re filled with anger and hatred. … I just can’t believe those are going to be their last thoughts and words.”

Patients there have said it couldn’t be COVID-19, and that it’s either the flu, or pneumonia or even lung cancer. Anything but COVID.

“Even after positive results come back, some people just don’t believe it,” Doering said.

I am including this interview for two reasons. The first is that Deoring’s experience gives us firsthand insight into the power of denial as one faces death despite somber test results, escalating medical treatment and counsel to reach out to family and friends to say goodbye. The power of denial when death is in the room is staggering.

But Doering also showed us the power of denial when an individual’s value system is shown to be false. On their death bed, her patients continued to support a distorted value system they shared with Trump.

Even on their deathbed, these folks could not accept that Trump lied to them. They could not accept he lied about the existence of Covid; that he lied about the deadliness of the virus. That he lied about the efficacy of masks, social distancing and hand washing. That he lied to them about everything. “It must be lung cancer. I don’t have Covid. It is a hoax,” one individual said just before he was intubated. The power of denial is stunning.

As moved as I am by the Camerota/Doering interview, I do not feel shock writing about it. In the past that little girl in me would have been keening in disbelief and dismay. I think as I write these essays, my grief map is getting clearer and more defined; I see where I started out on November 8, 2016, and understand better why I have been stuck in shock and disbelief.

Now I know each time I bump up against anything Trump does that is contrary to my core values of kindness, equality, truth and honesty; I am going to have an emotional reaction; I also understand why. That clarity is both a relief and gives me power to move forward.

The question then becomes what next? Well my sequence since Hillary lost has been an endless loop of shock/disbelief/anger and rage. It is time to look at anger and rage which is the second stage of loss. That anger is aimed specifically at Trump, Republicans in the Senate and House, certain Republican governors and, oh yes, the 73.6 million people who voted for him on November 3, 2020; it is an awful lot of anger.

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Commentary: December 19, 2023

I am no longer in denial about the evil of trump himself and his political cabal in Congress or state legislatures. They live and breathe values contrary to my values of kindness, equality, and honesty. I am no longer shocked by the depth of their cruelty or breath of their dishonesty. I see them clearly. I will do whatever I can to ensure trump and his political supporters do not remain in office or regain office. I am resolute about this.

I am still surprised, though not as much, by regular people who support him — not far-right extremists; I understand them. I am taken aback by farmers in Iowa, retirees in Florida, family members of friends who live in Illinois, middle managers in California, church goers in Oklahoma — just regular folks. What in the world happened to them? I cannot phantom how they continue to ignore trump’s cruelty, his dishonesty, his criminality — his lack of values. When did their own decency evaporate?

I am making progress because I no longer rail against these regular folk and their positions; I just do not want to be around them. In fact, I have broken with all extended family members who are trump supporters. It was easier than I thought because when I got down to the bottom line, I had nothing in common with them.

Our hearts were not aligned. Our world views were not aligned. Our values were not aligned. Our morality was not aligned. What did we really have in common then? Nothing.

That said, I must say as a psychotherapist who has worked for years with people seeking to recover from toxic families, the illusion of a loving family is a tough one to break through. The dream or desire to be in the bosom of a Norman Rockwell painting is strong. It is an illusion for many.

I see that right now with friends who seek to remain in relationship with their maga loving family members and friends. It pains me deeply to see my beloveds contort themselves — even lie to themselves — about their families and childhood schoolmates who are “good people” though they support and will vote for trump in 2024 or state “we just do not talk politics”.

I know we each must find our way through this gut-wrenching heart-wrenching mess we are in, but I confess to judging my familiars. That makes me so sad. I lived in stage one of grief denial for years. Perhaps that is where my dear ones remain stuck. If so, they need my compassion not judgement. I will work on that.

This morning, I sense the division between Democrats and maga republicans is going to continue and deepen. It will be interesting to see how court cases against trump unfold and if that will impact maga support. Equally as important will be the early republican primaries. I can only hope there will be far less maga support than what the pundits and polls indicate. That would be a welcome relief for my heart. Either way I will not be shocked — my son would say that is progress.