We Did Not Know What Was Coming Series: Stage 3 — If I Just Write One More Postcard Then…

PREFACE: To say the last seven years have been a journey of growth for me and this country is an understatement. To help me process and cope with the roller-coaster of emotions I have felt these years, I started writing on Medium right after the 2016 election. My last series ended December 31, 2020, after Biden won the presidential election.

Recently I realized I missed writing “in my journal” and decided to go back to the very beginning and re-read my essays. I wanted to see where I started out on November 9, 2016, and where I am now. I decided to repost my favorite blogs with a short present-day commentary and continue onto current times.

I hope a few of you will join me on this journey of recollection, reflection, and learning. Little did we know what we were headed into.

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If I Just Write One More Postcard Then… : December 6, 2020

Several weeks after Hillary lost, I was having a discussion with my sister and her husband, B. Actually I was in a rage ranting and raving that Trump was in the White House. After listening to my out-of-control tirade, B calmly asked, “What did you do to help Hillary win?”

That simple question stopped me cold and went straight into my heart because I did absolutely nothing to help Hillary win. I did not donate one penny to her campaign. I did not canvass for her. I did not text bank or phone bank. I did not drop off literature in important neighborhoods. I did not send postcards or letters to voters encouraging them to come out and vote for her. I did not put a sign in my yard or a bumper sticker on my car. I barely watched the news because I was so sure she was going to win. I did absolutely nothing to help her win.

Almost four years to the day, I can still feel the physical reaction I had to B’s question. There is no doubt I have been feeling the shock, disbelief and denial of stage one grief/loss with respect to Trump’s violation of my most sacred values. There is no doubt I have been caught in stage two grief anger raging at his policies and the consequences of those policies to human life.

What I did not realize until writing this piece is how deeply I have been caught in the stage three bargaining feelings of self-blame, guilt and regret for not helping Hillary win. Real or imagined, I have a part that believes I caused this mess we are in. That part has been on a campaign of high if/then activity ever since trying to have a redo of the 2016 campaign and elect Hillary.

What exactly does the third stage of grief look like though? Bargaining is a tricky phase and is often misunderstood and overlooked. During this time the individual attempts to postpone their sadness by focusing on regret and guilt for causing or contributing to the loss — a contribution which may be real or imagined.

We blame ourselves with thoughts of what we could have done to prevent the loss or tragedy. We also blame others, including family or anyone associated with the heartbreak. The primary emotion though is self-blame. We assume personal responsibility identifying all the errors and missteps we took that lead to the loss. It is easier to second guess and blame ourselves feeling guilt, shame, insecurity, fear and self-doubt rather than feel the depth of sadness associated with forfeiture.

The person distracts from their sorrow fabricating “what if” scenarios. The following situations are examples of the bargaining stage:

· Breakup or divorce: “If only I had spent more time with her, she would have stayed.”

· Job loss: “If only I worked more weekends, they would have seen how valuable I am.”

· Death of a loved one: “If only I had called her that night, she wouldn’t be gone.”

· Terminal illness diagnosis: “If only we had gone to the doctor sooner, we could have stopped this.”

· Hillary Clinton defeat: “If only I had campaigned for Hillary, she would have won the presidency.”

Most people associate the bargaining phase with magical thinking or negotiating a miracle with God. The negotiation is such that you promise God you will do anything if God will turn back time and spare you the loss and subsequent pain. “Please God, next time I’ll take them to a different doctor.” “Next time I’ll impose a more-strict curfew.” “Please God, I will do whatever you want, just spare me or spare them.”

Folks quickly realize God does not raise people from the dead and they leave obvious magical thinking behind. What most people do not realize though is that the core emotions of bargaining — self-blame, regret, and guilt — continue to play out in subtle ways taking different forms. In fact, many people are not even aware they are doing it.

Listed below are the lesser-known currencies of bargaining which are often used in combination:

Pain:

Sometimes we bargain with our pain. We try to negotiate our way out of the hurt of the loss, doing anything not to feel the pain. We hope that by keeping busy we won’t feel the pain. Sometimes we turn to alcohol or drugs or sleeping tablets to dull our feelings.

Advocacy:

Following a terminal illness or accidental death, survivors obsess over preventing future tragedy and throw themselves into activism. It may help ease the pain, but ultimately does not bring loved ones back to life. The danger is that advocacy can become a compulsion.

Personal Change:

In the face of illness, death, or any loss, one may feel frantic to make their life meaningful. A person may make promises to live each day to the fullest, complete a bucket list, or appreciate the things they have; all are distractions to negotiate the impact of the loss the individual fears they caused.

Safety:

Sometimes trauma is so great it becomes a constant state of fear. When no amount of hoarding, planning and prevention can make one feel secure, the individual may show signs of hypervigilance. Creating a safety net is definitely part of the grieving process, and a smart way to avoid future losses, but when the feeling of fear never goes away, and one is constantly seeking ways to stave off the danger they fear they caused, this strategy becomes phobic.

Future Hope (If/Then):

If the curveball event is a health diagnosis, or news of infertility, or other impending crisis event, the bargaining starts with “if” statements that are geared towards buying more time or making attempts to problem solve. It ends with a “then” statement which defines a better future outcome. For example, “If I take these supplements, start exercising, stop drinking wine or coffee, and start looking after myself then I will get pregnant.”

The “future hope” currency of bargaining is tricky. It often looks like the final stages of grief — acceptance and meaning — until you look at the underlying motivation of the action steps taken. I know because I have been doing this “future hope” bargaining since December 2016.

Remember one feature of early-stage bargaining is negotiating with God to restore the dead. Why not negotiate with God to have a different outcome of the 2016 election? I know that sounds grandiose, even outrageous, but such is the stage of bargaining.

So what has my bargaining strategy looked like these past four years? Here is the list I have come up with so far and it is all based on if/then future hope:

· The first action step I took after Trump was elected was to become a monthly donor to the ACLU knowing they would protect the constitution in the federal courts. I have increased my giving each year.

· I subscribed to the electronic version of the New York Times and Washington Post thereby supporting investigative reporting.

· I became an Emily’s List financial supporter so that they could train and launch women candidates for the House of Representatives.

· I donated campaign money to incumbent Democrats in the House and Senate as well as candidates running against Republican incumbents to help take back control of the Legislative Branch in special elections, the 2018 mid-term and the 2019 general election.

· I give money each month to the Poor People’s Campaign to support the voices of the most marginalized people in our country.

· I joined my local Indivisible Group, Southland Snowflakes and participated in local and national GOTV campaigns with sister groups throughout the area.

· I went to training and became certified to register new voters.

· I joined PostcardsToAmerica and PostcardsToVoters personally writing 40,000 postcards to members of Congress advocating for and against issues as well as GOTV cards for a myriad of Democrats running for state and national office in 2018 and 2019.

· I sent thousands of emails to 52 Republican Senators begging them to block the Muslim ban, protect the ACA, pass gun safety laws, stop family separation at the southern border, and to convict Trump of impeachment charges.

· I wrote to many companies and told them I would no longer buy their products or use their services if they advertised on FOX or supported Trump.

· I was one of 600,000 protestors who participated in the Women’s March in Washington DC in January 2017. I have marched many times since then on every major issue — the last being Black Lives Matter after the terrible murder of George Floyd.

· CNN and MSNBC are on every day throughout the day so I will never be caught unaware of the dangers caused by Trump, his surrogates and supporters.

· I read at least seven news outlets on the internet each morning to stay abreast of breaking news and to help inform action steps I may need to affect.

· Sadly and painfully I ended relationships with any Trump supporters in my circle of family and friends. It is not okay they support him and his policies.

· I have encouraged like-minded family and friends to join me in the endeavors above to help effect change and soften the dangers and sorrow of these times by supporting one another daily.

· I pray a lot and ask the Divine for help and direction. I also cry.

· I want to close this list with one last bargaining activity I am currently involved with. It is the Georgia runoff between Ossoff, Warnock and the incumbent Republican Senators. At stake is control of the Senate and, in my mind, the fate of the Biden agenda. In the last three weeks I have written more than 300 postcards to Georgia Democrats who voted in the general election encouraging them to request a VBM ballot and vote again on January 5, 2021.

I went searching for that part of me caught in bargaining grief and asked her what she was feeling as I wrote these postcards. This is what I heard: “IF I just write one more postcard for the runoff then we will win the Senate, then Biden can implement his agenda and THEN our country will be safe as it would have been had Hillary won. I am so sorry I did not help her win.”

I have so much compassion for this part of me; she has carried a heavy burden these four years. When I look over list of actions I have taken, I realize there are countless if/then future outcome statements attached to each. At the root though, they all funnel down to a variation of, “IF I carry out this [act] THEN [xyz action] will happen which will lead to getting rid of Trump and returning us to the governance we would have had under Hillary Clinton if I had helped her win.”

Such is the subtlety of the grief stage of bargaining. All the activities I listed are good activities; I am actually very proud of what I have done these last four years. What is askew is the intention underneath — the emotion driving the action. I was and am still bargaining for future hope trying to assuage the shame and guilt of doing nothing — not one thing — to help Hillary win.

I know that to move through this stage of grief and loss, I must feel these blame emotions. It is painful but all the good work in the world will not ease that darkness; only naming and sitting with the lost opportunity will soften it. The goal is to carry out good works from a place of authentic meaning not penitence.

In truth I already feel a softening. Naming what was unknown to me even a few days ago has calmed something inside of me. As I unblend from the blame/regret parts, I can say to them, “We did not know better then. Yes, we could have done more and the past is the past. We have learned a lot and can choose differently going forward. You guys are hard workers. Let us move forward with hope and lots of action to make things better in the here and now.”

I also realize I am frantically utilizing this protective strategy to avoid the next stage of grief. I know when I slow down, when the activity stops, when all the distractions from shock, disbelief, anger, and bargaining are stripped away, what awaits me is the infinite sadness of stage four depression.

Trump in his mental illness has waged war, wracked havoc and incurred countless casualties in his attacks upon this country and planet. I do not look forward to my descent into the sorrow and depression required to mourn those causalities.

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Commentary: December 21, 2023

All of this remembering is making me very very tired. Grief work is exhausting. I am going to take a break today, do needlepoint and go for a long walk to enjoy Christmas decorations in Washington DC. Be back tomorrow.